Last night my high-horse bucked me off. I fell out of the pulpit. This is the insanity part.
I had a Marquette Symphony Board meeting last night. I had to give a report. It should have been a short, easy report. But you know how I hate public speaking, even in front of a small group of people I know.
I choked up! I forgot a word. A simple word. I forgot what we called the little party that we have after each concert. I froze up, then I started sweating. I looked at my notes. I couldn't see the word. I cleared my throat. They were waiting. I bet they were making faces! Now I'm even more nervous. I wondered if I was having a stroke. The harder I tried, the more I was stuck. I felt like George the VI in The King's Speech. Maybe that's why I enjoyed that film. I can relate to a king!
With some help, from our wonderful president, I finally got it out. Afterglow. What the hell was so hard about that? I stumbled through the rest of my report and shut the hell up. The president graciously thanked me, and we moved on. I suspect everyone forgot about my stumbling, but it was the only thing on my mind.
I wanted to resign right there. I wanted to make posters, and hide behind a computer with Photoshop and my email opened, maybe with some music. I didn't want to be at that meeting, giving reports, talking about fund-raising. I wanted to leave.
Thank God that feeling passed. I wondered why I had stubbed my mental toe? I have a lot of commissions for custom art coming in. They're all due at different times. Right before the meeting, I was making a list of clients and the due dates for their requests. I know this was weighing on my mind, and I wasn't giving the meeting the attention it called for.
Instead of quitting, I resolved to be better prepared, not only by having better notes, but by being mentally and emotionally armed to give this Board of Directors the kind of report it deserved. Focus! Next time I will dazzle them with information, rather than stun them with stupidity.
I completely understand. I've always had a hard time with public speaking. I have gotten better with it over the years, but still occasionally freeze. It's one of those fears that's hard to overcome. The only way to overcome it is to do more of it. Be kind to yourself and don't beat yourself up about it. It sounds like you have a good plan to overcome it the next time around.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Heather! You're always a sweet heart. I'm not usually this bad. Just busy-brained, I suppose!
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